despite all the distractions & stress, never have i been able to forget this day... this date... it is as if it has been engraved within my memory... on the most conscious part of it.. which seems to never sleep..... since 8 years, my mind has been alert for this day in april......
They say april is full of love & passion, excitement & joy.. but to me, this is not the case,, to me, it is full of .. Silence... grief... loss... & painful longing.... april was a turning point in my life, not a case of good or bad... but a matter of change in thoughts.. perspectives, and hopes in life....
In april, i learnt that life is not always a sparkling fairy tale like it used to be.. In april, i learnt that i will no longer view this life the way i used to, in a little girl's eye.. In april, i realized that my smiles in many occasions will be superficial.... delightful for strangers & meaningful for the few who can read pain... In april, i learnt what it truly meant to be in total shock In april, i experienced what it felt like to cry until no more tears are left in your eyes... In april, i knew what i feels like to be surrounded by tens and hundreds, yet feel.. hear.. and see no one at all....
In april, i realized how a person can live in denial... from sun rise, till sunset... every day of the week.... In april, i learnt what patience really meant.... for myself.. & for the sake of those around me... In april, i experienced how soothing it is, to feel closer to Allah.... In april,i realized that things will never,,, ever,, ever be the same again... ever
in my dictionary, april is the month of loss, unbearable loss that can only be maintained & eased by the guidance and help of the AlMighty...
i have a lump in my throat, that prevents me from expressing what's deep within... for so long i have been concealing, for many reasons.... & oh i do not at all advice any human being to conceal.... for it will show... if not on your behaviors... then in one's eyes..... the eye never lies.... don't hide your feelings, because in the end, WORDS will no longer be able to explain those trapped emotions that stab ones mind & heart...
april shouldnt be writen with a Capital A, it is not worthy of it.....
until i am in a less gloomy mood, may Allah gaurd each & every one of you and make your aprils full of love & joy...
Today my friend alwaslgirl told me about an interesting site called shelfari.com, which enables us to create a virtual bookshelf resembling the one we have at home, where we can categorize books according to:
books you've read
books you are currently reading
books you're planning to read
books you own
books on your wishlist
and finally your favorite books
we can also review books and discuss them with other members from across the globe as well as to make groups and make friends.
first thing i do when i browse such book related websites is search for members from the UAE, and after that, i end up really disappointed AS USUAL, because the number doesn't turn out to be satisfying, not to mention that 99% of results are for foreigners who live here. WHY aren't there many readers in this part of the world? knowledge started from THIS spot on earth, so why on earth are people ignorant about how important it is to be educated?..
i wish for a day when i go out to find EMARATI's sitting on benches, coffeshops, foodcourts and waiting areas with books in their hands instead of mobile phones! imagine how local people's thinking level would rise! how not only would we have DEGREE holders but those who are willing to educate themselves for as long as they live and not for the mere sake of having a degree!.. it's a very pleasant thought which is not impossible. actually, for the last 3 years i noticed that the number of readers is increasing, although slowly, but it's a good change, don't you think?..
although my reading habit should've started much earlier than when i was 13 ( due to the fact that both my parents are heavy readers) but i'm glad it did click with me regardless of when. I try to keep a book with me all the time, 1 in my car, another in my handbag, 1 at my desk and always a book to read at the university before and in between classes...
if you're a reader, have you ever noticed thats it actually spreads like a disease? once you've been caught reading a book, your friend or classmate would always ask you what your reading? what it's a about? some would call you a nerd, others would confess to you saying "i've always wanted to read, recommend something for me!".. i've encountered such people a lot which really draw a smile on my face, and oh i start to go on and on telling them to read this or that. Some of them forget all about it, but others, as i've witnessed, actually started bringing books with them to uni other than the university text books! a girl once bumped into me before class, after her hi's she said "ever since i saw you reading a really fat book before our sociology class (that was shantaram lol ) i've developed a habit of bringing books along to uni"... boooy did she make my day, it's good to know you've had some influence on others... and good influence no matter how big or small :)....
today i started reading The Idiot by by Fyodor Dostoevsky
i have typed a review about Mojahid which i will share with you in my next update enshallah
Sunday 3-2-2008 - 12:54 am - a beee
a poem which i first read back when i was in grade 4 from a book named "the poem book" by Fiona Waters....
Combinations
A flea flew by a bee. The bee
To flee the flea flew by a fly.
The fly flew high to flee the bee
Who flew to flee the flea who flew
To flee the fly who now flew by.
The bee flew by the fly. The fly
To flee the bee flew by the flea.
The flea flew high to flee the fly
Who flew to flee the bee who flew
To flee the flea who now flew by.
The fly flew by the flea. The flea
To flee the fly flew by the bee.
The bee flew high to flee the flea
Who flew to flee the fly who flew
To flee the bee who now flew by.
The flea flew by the fly. The fly
To flee the flea flew by the bee.
The bee flew high to flee the fly
Who flew to flee the flea who flew
To flee the bee who now flew by.
The fly flew by the bee. The bee
To flee the fly flew by the flea.
The flea flew high to flee the bee
Who flew to flee the fly who flew
To flee the flea who now flew by.
The bee flew by the flea. The flea
To flee the bee flew by the fly.
The fly flew high to flee the flea
Who flew to flee the bee who flew
To flee the fly who now flew by.
hehehe isnt it nice?
Saturday 5-1-2008 - 4:01 am - my companion
My dearest, you brought tears to my eyes... i am so thankful that i have you in my life, and the fact that my friends are very few does not upset me AT ALL, for i have you, and having YOU makes me content and pleased... i am very honored to be the well of your secrets, this means the world to me.. and i want you to know that your secrets are NEVER a burden on me…
Our friendship is a miracle itself.. a bless.. a strength that enables us to go on along this bumpy road knowing things will be just fine, becuz at the end of the day, we know we each have someone who cares about us no matter what happens… or what wrong we may do..
who can deny the joy it brings? when you've found that special thing, your flying without wings.....
It is such a wonder how when it comes to us, we treat each other differently, I have never managed to treat other friends the way I treat you! I have never managed to accept their faults, nor bare with some qualities of theirs which contradict to my own.. we should not be harsh on people nor judgmental, but I am ashamed to say I have not achieved this with some people, and proud to know I can never judge you, nor feel agitated about anything you do or say.. isn’t it a wonder? Alhamdulillah, knowing there is someone in this world I feel this way about lets me realize I have been given a gift millions have never dreamed of obtaining... it can be called
راحة بااااال
I am thankful, for your friendship, for your sisterhood, for the bond that back at some point in our life was about to break, but thanks to you, to your insistence, your patience, Allah not only mended this relationship, but made it one of the rarest in this world… every time I look back at those days, I remember how bad I felt, how lonely, how tears were not only warm and bitter, but brutally stabbing my foolish heart… I Thank Allah, that these days have passed by bringing along brighter memories.. i am glad i did not leave the chance i had to go waste... for i would have ended up suffering my entire life.
Many people, when they love someone truly, they keep on telling them how they will do anything in the world for their sake, it may sound to some as a scene in a movie or a chapter in a novel, it did seem so for me at some stage, but those who witness true love, understand well that these are not only some mere words that are being said and then forgotten.. it is a promise that we make without a slight thought, a swear we practice not in front of a court judge, but in front of Allah the judge of all, not because we have to, but because it pleasures our souls to do so for those who matter the most to us….
i learnt from life that no human being can be an angel, and i learnt from you, that no one can be an angel in my eyes but YOU
Sometimes I joke around with my family, telling them that when I die, they are not allowed to enjoy my belongings! lol instead, my books for example will go to my soul-mate, even if she has the same books!... for I am sure, the ones she haven’t read yet, she would read them from the ones that used to belong to meeee… but then again, we will not need to inherit each other enshallah cuzzzzz, I strongly believe that Allah will grant us the wish we want more than anything in this world, the prayer I never forget to say, the need I always plead for when I pray to Allah , the relief that I strongly desire no matter how greedy it may sound… you know dear soul-mate that I cannot go on without you, nor leave without you…..
These days, saying DON’T GO seems to be stuck in my throat, i keep on reminding myself that I cannot be selfish! I shouldn’t be! Saying it would immediately make me choke with tears….
But…. Don’t go, and break this fragile heart….. but break it, only if it would help mend yours, and i mean it from the deepest point in my heart...
